Observation Time

Observation without judgment can be done. When you see your child fall you observe the fall, however when your child falls and state they got hurt (without knowing) you just judged the observation.




Now your child falls and is crying you can still observe this moment without judgment by not allowing yourself to assume why the child is crying. Is the child hurt, were they scared, did they feel lost, were they worried? Without clear communication we can't know why the child is crying.



When we assume a reason (judge) why a child cries and then voice it to them we are now telling the child how they feel rather than allowing them to express how they feel deep down. Ever asked a child who fell why they are crying? Or do you run up to them and ask where does it hurt?



We can also do this in sibling fights. Are they fighting because they are mad, hurt, sad, tired..... The list can go on. However we can observe a fight and just ask what is happening; use the observing eye. What needs are the children expressing? Each child has a different need and can never be common even if the action of anger between the two is common. Through asking each child what do they need to happen right now we can see how to begin to heal the situation? One child may need help, and the other may need space but both expressed in anger to each other. We aren't telling one over another they are bad (wrong for needing). Children don't fully express exactly the need they are in search of. How could they? They grow up in a world of adults that when their needs aren't met they get angry. So now through our action the child has learned to use anger to express all feelings of need. They tend to find frustration and through that will begin to judge themselves. Frustration never comes to us when we feel good and complete about ourselves, usually when we feel like a failure.



When we ask our children what they need this also allows us to see our own needs not just for ourselves (through the reflection process) but now also begin to see what we have forgotten to do for our children in our busy lives. Children need clear communication, so do we and no judgment is the start of this. Things are just because they are and children in pure state are not separated from this idea they just lay waiting for their environment to embrace this way of life.



As the one who writes this today I can tell you I am not perfect at this, it’s through my own understanding of myself that allows me room to grow. My children have melt downs, they fight, they yell, they cry but it’s how we communicate to them that will help shape them as adults.



It is important here to understand that when children do cry, that when they do have a meltdown, that when they are frustrated, that as adults we don't tell them to stop doing those things because those are their forms of expression right now. Example if we told a child to stop crying we are judging their behavior as bad or wrong and telling the child that it is wrong to have those emotions. It is healthy to have those emotions no matter how embarrassed you may get your children must express themselves and know that no matter what you are there to ask them what they need.